Archive for February, 2008

Fun Day

Posted in Blog on 27 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

This week is only 3 days old.

And its over. 5 days of restful vacation will now commence. The joys of exams.

Being an exam week means the students are much better behaved.

Shall we recap?

hmm…how about we just talk about today?

It started with a whizz and a bang. A firework in the bushes.

Next an angry 18 year old former student runs into the teachers room and begins an argument with a teacher… im sat there thinking… knifing but nothing happens.

The day before the teachers had opened up the school so the parents could see what’s going on…are they suicidal? Anarchy and total chaos reigned supreme. The parents got to see students running around, shouting, writing on the walls in bright pen, drinking, spitting, breaking bamboo sticks and more…

Welcome to my school…unhappy parents.

Then came the classes. A mild case of extortion as the bullies of the first year went round trying to gather money from the weaker students to pay a tribute to the third years…PC Crumble investigates. Case still open. Some girls begin a water fight…

So far so mild.

The afternoon begins with a three person invasion of the first year classes. Just a case of more ex-students on the rampage. Crumble has arse spanked by male student…nothing new there. The water fight girls manage to flood the toilets…nice. Break time chaos leads to fun and games before the second year boys run up the stairs dressed in the girls uniforms with giant fake boobs… bedlam is nice. Break finishes with Crumble breaking up two fights and throwing a student into a classroom.

In the middle of that 4 classes were actually taught. nice.

On the way home i went down a small street to avoid all the cars. Half-way down a bunch of elementary boys had gathered. One had a wad of cardboard taped together. He lashed out at a cyclist before me hitting him. All the boys laughed. Then again at the next cyclist. Then he stepped forward for me…

Wulfstan Crumble finished his day by scaring the shit out of a bunch of small kids. Clenched fist. Angry look (faked) and second thoughts on their behalf. No laughing but i smiled.

Japan. Safe but crazy.


Manurial Ashes

Posted in Blog on 19 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

It is a joy to be writing again. To be a man of letters and to have short stories pouring out of my vulgarities. It is also good to rise to a challenge though, still, it leaves me not with a sense of self definition.

It strikes me as perhaps apt that my Junior School’s emblem was a Phoenix. Those pesky things do not go away. Japan came from the ashes of my old shop (Millets) and this new work comes from the ashes of technological meltdown and slippery fingers. Though a big thankful hug goes out to my good friend Marina for reminding me that good writers write not rewrite. So, no back to the future…

 A quick scan through open anthologies and magazines has produced a few interesting challenges and surprisingly all have been begun, though none have been finished. Here’s a list of what’s being worked on and for whom. (The crazy thing is none of them are based in my beloved Blighty)


Giant Creaturs Anthology     –    “Tennessee Tumblebug”

Robots Beyond                        –    “Xenophobots”

Silly Fantasy Anthology        –     “Bran Bramble vs Berberius Snot”

Wanderings Horror               –      “Baguio Halimaw”

Noctem Aeternus                  –      “Flower Of Convenience”

Bloody October                     –      “Crucial Fiction”

Plus two random pieces of Japan based fiction called “Sakura Girl” and “Takafumi And The Whale Riders.”


 JET Essay Competition      –     Fun With English: Teaching Elementary Kids In Japan.

Pagan Dawn                          –     What Neopagans Can Learn From Japan.

I have also begun a new pseudonym who will be known as Alessandro Brigante for the more weirder, less Wulfstanish pieces. I’m working on a gay erotica for an anthology entittled “Taming Is Rarely True” and a gorefest for The Slice Splatterpunk anthology called “Soapland.”

Its been a busy time with writing that has largely kept me offline. Another reason is the slowly developing Friendship Society I’m hoping to begin in the city and precopius letter writing around the world. More on those in later blogs (new fiction and poetry may be limited online for a while as many deadlines are coming up soon). 

Wish me luck.

Obama: Reaching For Hope

Posted in Blog, Current Affairs with tags , , , , , on 16 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

If I were an American

I would say, “Yes, we can!”

My soul would fall into naivety

And for once, give into hope.


We Brits, moan in the trudge of decline

We spread cynicism

Like butter on toast

When our technocratic leaders pontificate.


We need his kind of inspiration

We need to believe that change can happen

That we can believe in hope

Then we’ll improve from the ground up.


He is the heir to Cicero

The man to move beyond Martin Luther King

The man to make us colourblind

And a truly equal world.


Wulfstan Crumble knows that for all the hope in the world politicians may fail to live up to their reputation or downright lie. With so much invested in his philosophy and rhetoric Barak Obama has to deliver if he wins. I hope he wins, so we may all believe and that he delivers. One day perhaps someone will come who truly wants to put Britain right and then we can believe too.

Game Show

Posted in Japan with tags , , , on 13 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

We love game shows. The chance to see people compete for prizes or grandeur. My favourites back home were 15-to-1 and Countdown (i miss twice-nightly). I have many fond memories of competing against my brother and mother on these shows. My brother is a genius for Countdown but i won the most 15-to-1 contests. That said our performances would have got us knocked out in the first round if we were taking part for real.

In Britain the contestants are usually normal people who compete for pride or prizes. I must admit that i am missing seeing real people be able to better their lives by competition on the small screen.

Why? Well, in Japan Game Shows are for celebrities only. No normal people. The celebrities compete for the prizes and money. Today a dozen people ran around a theme park avoiding Matrix style Hunters. The game lasted 90 minutes and whoever was left at the end walked off with 1.50 pounds a second. That’s a nice prize all totalled up.

Yet, is it not odd to watch rich people get richer? Where is the egalitarianism and the chance to dream of winning big?


Posted in Film Review with tags , , , , , on 12 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

Today I watched a powerful film from Australia. This review will contain spoilers so read no more if you want to watch this. Though, those with kids, would be best advised to watch it alone.

The film begins with someone dead in a room. We do not know more. Blood seeps out under the door and then saddened faces.

The film follows several lead characters each with issues. As you run through the list each seems to be an extreme of the social condition. We have a recently out gay kid, a girl with an eating disorder (bulemia), a girl raped by her brother, the brother who has serious father-achievement-sister issues, a footie player who is secretly gay and a poor boy who has two urethas and cannot control his urine output.

There is bullying, suspicion and so on. During the film we see many people, several minor characters who appear normal but chat to the main characters. We also see black and white interviews with each of the named characters (those mentioned above). The story unwraps slowly much in the manner of “Elephant” which, set in America, was about a school shooting.

Throughout the film we are lead from character to character wondering which one killed themselves. Of course our natural eye is taken by these obvious examples of lives gone awry. The sister turns out to be pregnant, the footie player kisses the gay kid, the bulemic refuses to admit her footie loving boyfriend is anything but her prince. Yet, our eyes slip off another candidate. A girl called Kelly.

The girl tries to talk to the brother about a disturbing, yet unrevealed, short story he wrote. She tries to help the peeing boy too. Yet, in the end it is her, who takes her own life. Someone kind and caring who is totally ignored by everyone. Most do not talk to her, aknowledge her and are wrapped up in their own problems.

It contains a powerful message. We shouldn’t be so wrapped up in our problems to think of other people. Also, that the quiet people can be the most in trouble. It made me think alot. I hope others can go and see this too.

The Sparta Of The East

Posted in Current Affairs with tags , , , , , , , , on 11 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

All of the developed nations of the world have a problem. They are, quite simply, not breeding enough. Many are barely maintaining their current populations thanks to mass imigration. The society that has this problem most of all in Europe is Italy. Yet, compared to Japan, Italians look like right old bunny rabbits.

2007 was a watershed year in Japan. For the first time since WWII the population actually shrunk back a bit. It now stands at around 128,000,000 people. Predictions are that in my lifetime the population will shrink to a more British 50,000,000.

The onus is on the Japanese government, and the people themselves, to stimulate new babies (all puns intended).

The government started off with a very helpful solution. One minister suggested that all girls from 12 through to 45 become baby ovens churning out new Japanese kids. For once some people actually protested against the utterences of their minister. The government is being slow to make working and life choice conditions better for women and for married couples.

A woman who chooses to have a child effectively gives up her promotion prospects for the rest of her life. Japanese companies and organisations work on a principle of age and longevity at the business. Therefore, time out for a baby, 9-12 months can put you effectively back to square one. Most mothers get consigned to part-time or temporary contracts. A lot of Japanese women are choosing to put life ahead of motherhood.

Now lets look at the people themselves. The French and Brits boast of making love 160-180 times a year, maybe more, on average. The Japanese apparently average 41-61 times a year. 73% of married men over 50 do not have sexual relations with their spouses. Yet 75% of married men over 50 admit to sexual relations with other people’s wives. Despite being illegal Japan easily beats Amsterdam for prostitutes and sexually related businesses from Soaplands to Delivery Health Services. They make babies not make love and barely make babies these days.

The Japanese media are pinning the hopes of securing the population not on immigration or encouraging men to be more romantic nor just encouraging couples to get it on more often than once a fortnight. They’ve pinned their hopes on Group Blind Dates to encourage couples to get together.

It reminds me of the Spartans who, much like the Daleks in Dr. Who, refused to muddy their blood with non-purebloods. As we speak there are no Spartans and there is only one Dalek left. Could we witness something similar?


Well Valentines is upon us again.

It’s a time for me to relax. Yep i am going native this year. So, i will lay back safe in the knowledge that Valentines is a traditional day for women buying romantic gifts for men, making them chocolates and so on with no obligation on the male to return the favour. There will be no romantic messages, no breakfast in bed, no dates and flowers. Just me scoffing my face full of chocolates. Yummy.

Super W.C. Operator

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , on 8 February, 2008 by Wulfstan Crumble

 I’m all alone at home sat tense, cursing the skies

All my stories and poems vanishing before my eyes

Yeah I’m getting so tired, of how this sites wired,

I think my sense of humour j-j-j-j-just went and expired

So sick of ineptitude, 

Blow me my W.C. Operator 

Super W.C. Operator

Can you hear me W.C. Operator?

Super W.C. Operator

I’ve lost it all, Operator

Super W.C. Operator

Super W.C. Operator 



Super W.C. Operator

Super! Super! Man! 

Show me a man, a man who understands about sacrificing all your hard work

Who sees the crumbled ruins running through our hands, yeah!

I’m calling to the website god, you know what I am missing?Everything.

You’re a magician of imposition and flawed intuition

A man divine, a form sublime

Promising everything will be better next time.

Promising everything will be better next time.

Go on, make it better

Better, Better, Better, Better, Year right! 

Super W.C. Operator

Can you hear me Operator?

Super W.C. OperatorSuper W.C. Operator

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Thought not!

You super W.C. wrecker

Now I’ve gotta write it all,Once more, yeah… 


This song is based on lyrics of the song “Super CB Operator” written by Crispian Mills and performed by Kula Shaker. 

The writer would like to acknowledge that he feels a lot better now. He also recognizes that he should have backed it all up more often. Though it was inconceivable for all but the hardened cynic that his laptop and the website’s content would expire at the same time.  

Wulfstan Crumble is a fan of hyperbole and Kula Shaker, if it makes people think.